Suffering Motherhood

St. Peter Julian Eymard's Eucharistic Handbook. 

The title of mother is the fruit of suffering; God has willed it so. The title of spiritual mother can be acquired only on Calvary by the side of Mary, Mother of all men.

To obtain the Grace of salvation for her children, a mother must then accept to suffer and to suffer alone with Jesus and Mary: blessed sufferings indeed, since they beget children of God and citizens of Heaven to the life of Grace. The greater is her suffering and the more devoid she is of all natural consolation, the more a mother should rejoice in Divine Charity; for that is the sign that the hour of victory is at hand.

Happy the mother who has the wisdom of the Cross, the virtue of Jesus Crucified; all the sweetness and power of it will be hers. Let her then practice love without ceasing; let her earnestly pray for it as the surest and sublimest Grace of perfection!

Step One - Adoption Couple Orientation

In early March of this year while teaching on a Catholic SST (Spring of Service Training) at the Twin Oaks base of Youth with a Mission (YWAM) in Garden Valley TX, I witnessed the inspiring testimony of a Godly woman who shared a common history of infertility and loss through miscarriage.  One part of her testimony struck such a deep cord and from that moment I knew that God was inviting me to open my heart fully to the gift of adoption. 

This lady volunteered at 'Fatherheart,' a maternity home for young women experiencing an unwed pregnancy.  She and her husband had grown their family through adopting two children affectionately known as 'Fatherheart babies' by those connected to the ministry.  Fatherheart Maternity home (www.livalt.org/fatherheart.html) is one part of the 'Living Alternatives' ministry which also includes a crisis pregnancy center and 'Loving Alternative Adoption Agency.' 

After sharing our stories she asked if we were interested in adoption and if so, informed us that 'Loving Alternatives' was having their once-a-year adoption couple orientation that coming weekend. She wasn't sure what our chances would be of being accepted at such short notice, but gave us the number of the office. We promptly called and left a message that very Sunday evening.  The caseworker who responded  the next morning was a little wary and cautioned us that most couples take several months of prayer and discernment before filling out and submitting the application papers and couple questionnaire.  However, once she heard that we had been discerning for some time she accepted to have us fill out the Adoptive Couple Questionnaire, which is the preliminary step for adoption with their agency. She agreed to put it in the mail that very day.  She had to receive our completed questionnaire by that Wednesday to check us out before we could be given the green light to attend.  Needless to say we were scrambling to get it all done and faxed back to her but praise God they seemed to like us and told us we could come and bring the remaining paperwork with us to the orientation.  Well, God opened that door and we proceeded to walk through it!

Garden Valley Bible Church

The orientation was held at a small, non-denominational church nestled among the East Texas pine and oak trees.  We were among 35 couples seeking to learn about the ministry all with hopes to adopt the 3-10 infants that they place each year!  They also have a program to adopt older children and it was clear that some of the couples were also interested in doing that.  What took us by surprise during the couple's introduction session was the proportion of couples who already had biological children.  We thought we would be frowned upon, already having two beautiful children to enjoy, but God showed us that He was touching the hearts of many, already established families to welcome some of His lost children into secure and loving homes.  This gave us so much peace and confidence about our reason and decision for adopting too. 

The orientation took us through the definition of 'covenant adoption' - a process in which the adoptive couple, birth family and the agency enter into the adoption process together, creating a plan based on love, trust and promise to keep the highest interest of the child in mind throughout the growing up years.  This involves a face to face meeting before the delivery of the child and at placement.  After placement, contact between the families is maintained through letters, pictures and gifts that are monitored by the agency.  The Biblical principles for this type of adoption process were outlined and the nitty gritty of fees and timelines were presented.  

In the afternoon we heard testimonies from an adoptive couple who had adopted all three of their children through the agency, we even got to meet the children.  We heard from a birth mother who had been through the maternity home twice and had placed both of her daughters with the same family. It was through her stories that we truly came to appreciate the painful sacrifice it is to surrender your child into the arms of another. Finally we heard from a young man who had been adopted.  He shared about the relationship he has with his birth mother and with his parents  and siblings (who were also present and gave some wonderful advice).  It was truly a beautiful weekend and we grew more and more in love with the work of mercy this agency performs in their ministry to birth mothers and their babies.

By the end of the weekend those who wished to continue their adoption journey with the agency were asked to put their name on the Home Study waiting list.  Now began the wait to be contacted about when our Home study was likely to take place.  With only 3 full-time caseworkers available to conduct home studies and knowing we were quite a distance from Tyler, we didn't get our hopes up too high to have one done quickly.

Our Decision to Adopt

The question of whether to pursue adopting a child has been part of our family prayer and discernment since 2005.  As it appeared we were entering a  period of unexplained secondary infertility after the healthy pregnancy of our first born daughter in 2004, we began in earnest to seek God's plan for our family size.

I'd like to step back a few years when I first heard God speak to me about this journey that we now find ourselves on.  While still a lay missionary, working in Holland, about two years before meeting my husband, I found myself praising God along with a dear friend who at that moment was suffering the loss of yet another child.  She and her husband had experienced several first trimester miscarriages and there we were praising God in the midst of this trial that was all too familiar to them.  I remember returning to my room and begging God for understanding.  "Lord why is it that your faithful daughters, those who desire to live out your plan for love and marriage, desiring children are suffering in this way?"  The answer came all too clearly - "Who but my faithful daughters will pray and intercede?" I understood that this was a burden of reparation for the multitude of sins against life that God was giving to those faithful women who knew how to pray and offer it in union with Christ's sufferings.  I sheepishly responded, "Lord, I hope you don't ask this of me." 

When my husband and I conceived our first daughter three weeks into married life in early 2004, I harkened back to that conversation and breathed a huge sigh of relief - "Thank you Lord, you weren't asking that of me."  Little did I know what lay ahead.  After our first child was born that October, three years followed with no further conceptions.  Assessments on both of us brought no definitive answers.  It was a heavy cross to carry as friend after friend became pregnant and people started to inquire when our next child would be coming along. Finally, we decided to give up trying to work it out and laid our fertility in God's hands.  As we prepared to attend our first information session with Catholic Charities Adoption Services, I kept receiving in prayer the story of Abraham and Sarah.  What struck me most was that Sarah grew impatient and did not stay submitted to the Lord's timing in bringing forth their promised offspring. I knew in my heart that this was not the time to pursue adoption, although we had begun to move in that direction.  A few weeks later on Christmas Eve 2007, I discovered with great joy that I was pregnant with our second daughter. We were ecstatic and  rejoiced in another healthy pregnancy, believing that our time to carry the burden of infertility was now being lifted.

When our second daughter was only 11 months old we were happily surprised to discover we were pregnant again!!  However, within a few days of receiving a positive pregnancy test it became clear that we were experiencing our first miscarriage.  Heartbroken and confused, it was the beginning of yet another period of long-suffering.  In the next three years we would surrender four more precious souls into God's hands through first trimester miscarriages. God was asking it of me and my dear husband after all! I was left with the decision of whether I was going to be one of His faithful daughters and not only accept the suffering that He was giving me but embrace it totally, trusting that His grace is sufficient for me.  I am ashamed to admit that it took me these three years to fully embrace what I now understand to be an incredible gift. The gift of making reparation. The gift of nailing myself to the cross with Christ in order to fully experience the glory and the immeasurable grace of the resurrection.  This act of complete surrender to the action of God in our lives has allowed the joy of suffering to surface and blossom in a way that I have only read about in the lives of the saints.

In His great mercy God has begun to impress upon our hearts the true gift of adoption. When we had considered adoption before it was fueled by a selfish desire to fulfill our plan for our family but through God's great work of purification and healing the desire has now become one of generosity towards a child who may be at risk and for us to give that child the gift of our family. In March of this year, God brought us in contact with a small Christian adoption ministry in Tyler, TX. After being accepted at the eleventh hour to attend their once a year adoption orientation meeting we felt God was opening the door for us to pursue this exciting possibility of adopting one of His precious children.